Dreams; A Cocktail of Reality

There is a beatuy in loss. There is something to be gained in loss.

In my dream today, I have found a piece of reality.

You see... I dreamt of a loss, not too foreign, yet not personal; and how a peace was bought with the shared burden of loss and separation. Under the winding intestines of a massive flyover, we gathered -- all 4 of us, in the rain. You were my brother, we were squatting. He and She were there too, our parents, walling around us and peering over our shoulders as they always did. In spite of the rain, our attention was turned towards an object within -- a toy, a noisy little object.

To you, my parents, it was noisy, and annoying. You make a comment, show your irritation and object to our fasciantion; you stand there nonetheless, while my brother and I investigate our newfound interest and struggle to balance your opinions. I asked: what don't you like about it? You just stood there, but I understood. I saw in your presence that you understood yourself and you were beginning to accept us. The you I remember was not like this, well, at least not before the divorce was confirmed.

I remember that piece of paper, calm and grotesque laying accusingly on the floor, in the rain. Your signatures were on their respective places on the lines -- imprisoned and convicting. Innocence is the first victim of war, and we were the last prisoners of your negotiations. With each drop of rain, the paper crackles its protest. With each drop of rain, your signatures become more dilute. They run, as we did, from their prisons.

I felt warmth; the panacea of understanding and the comfort of peace. You had your battles to fight, and we had ours. All we wanted was this. Smiling through the rain, I asked: why couldn't it have been like this before this? Tears and rain. It was the same.

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A dream, or a cocktail of reality?


JKLM

Tribute To Nothingness

"... Ignorance of our true nature is the root of all (mental) torment..., and the root of ignorance itseld is the mind's habitual tendency to distraction.

To end the mind's distraction would be to end (all suffering)...; the key to this... is to bring the mind home to its true nature, through the practice of meditation."

"Take care not to impose anything on the mind. When you meditate, there should be no effort to control, and no attempt to be peaceful. Don't be overly solemn or feel that you are taking part in some special ritual; let go even of the idea that you are meditating. Let your body remain as it is, and your breath as you find it.

Think of yourself as the sky, holding the universe."

Distracted? Take short breaks, alert yourself and then try again.


JKLM

Mercury Rising

I feel a disturbance in the Force.

There seems to be storm clouds gathering at the horizon. The air is thirsty for their rain, and the ground anticipates their thunder.

My nose cringgles at the damp vinegar of your coming.

Let it storm.


JKLM

Rain and Wind

Rain;
How we hide from rain.
How we fear a pain
So hard to tame,
Too close to our name.

Rain;
How we hear her sing,
Imagine such things
About her nature
And the thoughts they bring.

O, but rain
Never falls alone.
With wind and whisper,
Her travels are known.

Wind;
How aloof he can be
How playful and free
Yet he holds no form
That your eyes can see.

Wind;
Are you empty
Are you full;
I feel your life
You are no fool.

O Rain and Wind,
What nature bring
Your endless springs
Glitter-speckled dreams
With your might as king.


JKLM

Disarray

Getting started in school can be quite a challenge; getting started in the rest of your life is much tougher. There's something about getting by with little sleep and being driven on by unfinished tasks that easily makes one feel quite alive. But this would not be a purposeful life, nor would it be a life in vain. It's simply... well, temporarily overloaded. Some people thrive under such conditions, while others prefer not to. I guess I'm one of those guys in between.

After staying out till 3am for another rehearsal, I was reluctant to head home. The unpacking would be an ordeal, that's not to say anything about the cab fare home in the first place. I wondered if there would ever be a time when our producers could actually stick to the timeline they suggested. Just a full run, and then it's home for the whole lot of us, he said. I was only half-listening.

So this is the entertainment business. Late nights, short intense bursts of activities, flaring tempers, dynamic performances, individual pressure, team work, food, drinks, mahjong.... Fancy a career and a life like this. I sought to be wise, regardless of the path my search would lead me. Now I'm not so sure. But oh, the excitement of finally having an opportunity like this to explore your creative ego and rouse the slumbering madman within. Perhaps...

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Got humbled again this weekend, and for a damned good reason too. Just not enough power, dammit. The competition was a different game for me this time around. My attempts were more calm and approach was more jovial, but I always fell short. It could be another few more years of training and consistently harder climbs before I could ever hope to be fighting against these giants I now walk with. I wonder if I'll still be climbing by then.

Climbing has made me strong, in many ways. Climbing has made me beautiful, just the same. Climbing has set me free, in ways unlike other sports. Why do I climb? I climb to be wise, and I live to learn. My origin and destination may well be one and the same, but I am nonethewiser for now. So for now, I'll just climb and keep on living.


JKLM

Sure As Autumn Flame

What would you be
You once asked me
As if I had no name

Like wind and rain
My answer came
Sure as Autumn flame

A playful chuckle
A teasing giggle
Your hands they spelt my name

Seasons ago
As my love flowed
To you, never the same

Flow,
A river of flame and gold
Tribute to a beautiful soul
Blow,
These winds that whisper your name
Sure as Autumn flame
And with the fading summer reign
Your hands my heart did tame

The sun and moon
They move too soon
And took Autumn away

But in your eyes
I know I'll find
A place of wind and rain
Sure as Autumn flame

Window Poetry

Inspired by the scene at Wisma Atria, I sat myself down at Coffee Club Express and decided to brew my own little blend on the atmosphere.

A lunar facade
With splashing regard,
In all its clashing customs
Dilute a trumpetting tradition.

Our souls we bribe
For uniqueness prescribed.
I'm told that my shape
Is my greatest love-hate.

What fashion whirlwind
Will ever see calm within?
A stray upon its tail,
In style we trust -- it can't fail.

Bright darkness and a dark light,
Sense and taste, they sure do fight.
"Oh, but to this I don't subscribe."
Sounds like another brave to hide...


Is it Chinese New Year already? Gee, I think I'm just not ready for a high-contrast, colour-coordinated and trendy Lunar New Year which advertisements persuade me to adopt. Whatever happened to the little things?


JKLM

The Twenti-FIRST Century

It's only 2006, and I've been through more events in these 6 years that have shaped my life than in the last century. I was just clearing out my organiser from 2005 and it started the memories rolling back. Time: like stream water chattering down its pebble stairs, you can be sure that its nature will never change, but with each moment, the past will remain nothing more than a memory.

At the turn of the century, I graduated from JC. I was a little disappointed at the fact that nothing much amounted from our being the "millenium batch". It was just a fantasy, nothing more; the guys were still going to be enlisted and the girls were still going to work and move on to University. I enlisted in the SAF in April, and joined thousands of other young boys on their journeys to become men. I could have sworn that for the sake of education, the elders won't hesitate to call you a boy anytime before they put you through some disastrous experience, and then call you a man after that.

I played my way into OCS and eventually 1 SIR, where I began learning how to act like a leader and what it actually meant to be a leader respectively. I got my first taste of life, and my own foolishness within this two and a half-years. I met a dear friend in this period and made a buddy out of him. I made a new friend and made a mentor out of him, who in turn made a student out of me. I let go of a relationship and tried to start another one, only to have it start all wrong again.

Following my stint in the Army, I enrolled into another institution -- NUS. It was here where the bulk of my education took place. My earlier years of formal academics seemed almost ridiculous and meaningless compared to the lessons that I was to learn within the campus walls. From 2002 to 2003, my mentor showed my his way, and tried to show me mine. I tried to learn what I could, tried to grow as much as I could. It was also within these years in which I first rekindled old friendships, darkened my soul and brightened my laughter.

It was also within these years that my mentor reminded me of my role in NUS: to get an education. Right he was. For it was in 2004, that I finally learnt one of the most important lessons in my life -- to stand on my own and stand firm for what I believed in. Sadly, balance marks all that is central to life, and in order to gain, I had to loose. In NUS, I got the education I enrolled for -- both in and out of the classroom. I learnt, against my previous academic advise, that my inclinations and my obligations were misalilgned, and that I was anything but exam smart. Nevertheless, I am certain that I managed to learn the important lessons.

The twenti-first century marked many firsts for me. My first close contact with my brother -- spending time with him at work and off work, on holiday and sharing. My first long and hard look into my family and myself through a most personal encounter. My first public performance in a live show, presenting a story and a song. The first time I finally understood what it meant to let something go. The first time I joined and competed in rock climbing competitions. My first rock trip to Thailand, and I do hope it will certainly not be the last. The first times I cooked for people I cared about. The first times I finally got round to meeting up with old friends and mend my ways to renew their bonds. My first Boulderactive and committee. And the first time I was ever so sure...

Into 2006 some stroll, some run while others hesitate. I'll take my chances and stride into the new year, with you. So much has happened in the years past. While I may think of myself as a sort of late-bloomer at times, I'm certainly still glad that I bloom at all. There is still much to do and to be achieved. I've got a headstart on this year, and I intend to keep it to my advantage.

Warmest Regards,

JKLM