Addicted

Much like Lestat and all the young Vampires that Anne Rice writes about, I find myself addicted to my senses. To my delight, becoming a Vampire was a mixture of the shedding of an immortal skin and the doning of an immortal responsibility. Indeed, the burden of eternal life is a heavy one -- likely heavier than any short-lived concerns that have crossed or beared down on our limited mortal minds.

Limited indeed. Oh how fragile our existence is, and yet how magnificent we frequently think we are, decked up in our pride and prejudices, blinded by our lack of wisdom, and retarded by our lack of courage. Vampiric senses and sensibility seem now a panecea for the clumsy disease that is mortal life, always degenerating and degrading... Glory in but moments; grasping at every moment we have and can before the inevitable happen.

Well having said that, this existence isn't all morbid and dismal to me. If anything, I'm just disgruntled at how clumsy, how unwise and limited we so frequently let ourselves become. Without making an outrageous comparison with Vampires, it still comes as no shock to know that the simple wisdom of constantly employing your intellect is a difficult one. Seems as if we're even lazy to think, and that there can be such a thing as 'too much thinking'. On the contrary, brooding is quite a different issue -- just as how meditation can be a waste of time should the wrong technique be employed, brooding is frequently misguided, thoughts driving a person's emtions in a perpetual self-feeding loop under the influence of self-cherishing values like ego.

Take the simple issue of communications, for example. How many times have people had the vast opportunities and skill to communicate with another adequately, yet fail to do so? And again, how many have used that opportunity and yet failed to truely communicate with the opposite party? My mentor once issued me this simple statement, among many other valuable lessons: "a conversation is the interaction between two mindsets..." When was the last time you had a conversation with another person?

You might wonder if I'm just sounding a little disgruntled, as if someone had forced his will unpon me or did not listen to me in recent days. Most certainly that happened. However, it is just these simple errors that have upset me. Not once, but many times over, we have been on the receiving end of his will, albeit consistent over the span of our history, but frequently inconsistent at times. What I cannot understand is the lack of consideration and mindfulness of his actions and intentions. At times, they have failed to match in some glaring ways and we have been frustrated for the almost contradictory way they seem to work -- what he said then and what he did now, what he just did and what he meant to have happen then (which has barely taken shape). Sometimes, I wonder why he even bothers suggesting that we 'discuss' about things, when there is obviously little room for negotiations or suggestions.

I'm tired of us having to bend ourselves to accomodate, but I'm neither suggesting that we insist upon our ways nor we force our will upon his unwillingness. I keep wishing it didn't have to be his way-or-the-highway whenever we talk. What's the use of discussing anything? Aren't you just setting yourself (and all of us, because we are inextricably linked) up to be hurt eventually? Don't you realise that you could be wrong? Do you have to experience things for yourself before you can trust, because it certainly seems that you don't trust us to be within your comfort zone.

We're not a threat; we're just family. Why can't we just get along?

Idealistic as my opinions seem, they are still very much flawed due to my over-reliance on my limited and biased senses; I am still nonethewiser as to a solution for our predicament. We have long since learnt to live with it than fix it and live without realising a potential. If I were wise, the issue would already have been solved, but it is not; instead, it has been winged on a daily basis, together with a host of unecessary salt-and-pepper between the ruling authorities.

Because damage from these tensions had long ago left its mark on my development and instincts, I shall not suffer such tragedy on my future should I have the ability to do so. The choice has been made; though I have not the slightest idea how I shall act when it comes my turn in his shoes, I certainly know that I've made a choice to try -- to be wise, to be mindful and to be deserving. Not that I accuse him of lacking these attributes, years with and without you have taught me to respect these values. It's simply that.


JKLM