Not Ready

Feet barely on the ground
Shoes off, airport-bound
Skin bleached by modern lights
Soul starved without sunlight

Fingers crooked, bent double
Fists with gaps, calloused stubbles
Freshly unplugged; not ready, not yet
Already in paradise with a return ticket

Force it open before the close
A sudden quiet, sobering dose
Taken back to patient basics
Still not ready, still a city-sick

Fresh off the boat, sniff the muddy air
Sea fills open noses, and the hair
Precious first hours, catch a breath
Prepare to wake and gather what's left

Fueled by days of hunger and fight
Caught on both sides, trying to be right
The mantle of responsibility is heavy
When the heart is lonely, against the tests


For so little we often give too much
A starving soul is angry, out-of-touch
Not ready to make nice or to back down
Not ready for the hate and the frown



Feelings festering, a pensive stare
As I wash the holiday out from my hair
Already I feel smaller, back to city living
Already the weight dulls my tanned skin

Far away, it feels so far away still
A source of fresh hope, a renewed will
I unpack my sandy rucksacks, too slowly
One thought still echos: I'm not yet ready

Black to White

When comes a just cause
Yet becomes a "just because"
The trust that was slowly gained
Sat weathered, quickly lost

Be aware of the whys
Beware the whos
In these twisted times when
We gain by first having to lose

Perhaps
Our conscience needs a change
A far-reaching, conscious turn
From told to telling, rearranged

To pay an unknown price
For a known costly (de)vice
That is neither served nor serves
The very body in which it resides

Perhaps
Since interests seem no longer existent
Let our visions turn from black to white, for
Mere existence is no longer an interest

I Don't Know What I Want

I want a lot
No, I want it all 
To adventure and fly 
When I've barely crawled 

I want to do it all in a day
 End to end, full to fuller yet
Because time is a one way stream
A moving, constant, losing bet

 I want to make a life
Inheritance will not suffice
I want to fill and turn it up
Make alchemy of fate's device

I want to be more
Be greater than what I was
To be an inspiration
A life-changing force

I want to be a son
A loyal friend for life
I want to be a good companion
I want you to be my wife

I want to be the story
And move the writer's hands
To know the skies, the oceans
And to trawl the lands

I am told I cannot but choose
Though I refuse my mortality
I resist the crushing incomplete
Story they call reality

So they pushed me around
And told my dreams to stop
Piled on the growing up
Crowded me out with props

I got lost, I tried
The light blocked, blotted out
My mind acquired the habit
Of some permanent pensive pout

Still a hungry heart
Is not easy to play for a fool
A restless force of nature
A curious meandering tool

Now I still want a lot
Though I know not precisely what
 I lie awake at night, just knowing
The importance of making a start

I want to make you something
Though I know not what I want
You see, art is a strange language
That speaks to me, much like chance

I'll start with lines and strokes
Then fill the shades and tones
With paint and some imagination
Until it feels like home

I don't know what I want
But I know I want a lot
And a lot of it comes from you
Because you're all that I've got

Perfect

I don't believe in perfect Not since we've been let down But I don't waste time on regret Or solving problems wiht a frown I could never find a perfect day Though some have come real close Much more often and magical Are perfect moments in a little dose I know we can't be perfect Though everyone hopes to find That somewhere someone holds the key To free them from their confines I know that I'm not perfect And that I can only try my best With hope and maybe a little luck I'll play my part and passt the tests I don't believe in fairy tales Or all stories that I've been told They're only as good as their merchants If you can't tell glitter from gold But I'll believe your stories The scars and memories you bear They speak to me through your actions And the ways you show you care I have yet to believe in one God Though I respect all that is divine Accept what I cannot yet understand About hold rituals and signs While I wait for One who is perfect To touch and guide my heart I leep hope and love as my languages As I live out fully my own part I don't know what makes perfect I guess I can't make up my mind Each moment that seems just right Is a moment past, left behind But I have an idea, just a little Of what's felt perfect, nearly so It's all got something to do with you An how you've changed my world

Meditate

The transient space
Between a want and need

Where weary hearts can rest
Find joy, comfort and peace
Looking inward

Eyes but half-opened

Patiently wait for answers
A truth that is not golden

Come, sit and breathe

If just for a little while
Begin to be comfortable

And calm your inner child
Take breaths and listen

Take time to learn patience

See and know that a mind's key
Lies in the heart's brilliance
Perhaps speak little prayers

Or receive the gifts of sone
To tune our inner ears to
The voice there all along

It never once yelled out
Or felt silenced by hate
Only patiently repeating

What we needed to hear instead
"Be true, be honest
 To no one before yourself

Live fully, don't worry for love
A heart's riches will always come around
Be brave, but know fear

Be strong enough to run
While hope is not a method
Believe always that it shall be done."

Heart

Love
An ancient art
Is to eventually know
The ways of the heart

To give love
To play our part
Is to begin to speak
The language of the heart

To receive love
Is easy to start
But grows ever complex
With the shadows of our past
 
To deny love
Is the easiest start
To a cruel cold end
The breaking of another heart

To be without love
Is to be forced apart
Away from a soul's fountain
A dried hopeless crust

To truly love
Is to pay a price for art
To have failed, hurt and fallen
To brave a bleeding heart

To see beyond our odds
When the clouds are hard to part
Hold out, trust and slowly learn
The art of another heart

Break (Incomplete)

My heart is a flutter
My thoughts are a mess
I'm right now fighting
This urge to confess

This urge to lay bare
This need to break down
To fall apart slowly
To float back to the ground

Snap to what's happening
The blurred fantasies
Work like a nervous drugs
Piped in with reality

Dose upon dose
Can't stay the days
Cracked and bent whole
In a hundred ways

Shake and Shudder
There, it's all better
Just some memories
Of a passing thunder

Beware (Incomplete)

Beware the animals
They are not like we imagined
They do not feel for reason
And they seek to feed their needs

Beware the voices
They may come in the night
They may come against your will
On your fears they will feed

Beware the people
They may not be your friends
While they may not yet be enemies
What is not broken can still bend

Beware of yourself
You may soon surprise yourself
Blind to what we not know
Yet so trusting of what little we do

Beware of me
I am in your head
If you let me, I will
Be in your heart
And on your tongue instead

Proud (Incomplete)

Perhaps we once were angels
Born of gifted mind and wings
Perhaps somewhere along the line
We understood why mortals sinned

Perhaps we also understood love
As guardians at her kingdom doors
But once too many times we've let
Trespassers bend her laws

Perhaps we are heroes instead
At our courts and castles we reside
Waiting on our fairy tales
Our swords and words ready by our sides

Perhaps we are skilled ministers
Our words are promises that bind
But perhaps we have spent too much time
Between the necessary truth and lies

Little Big Things

Ever felt empty
Spaces beckoning
Little things

Little big things
Begin to appear
To fill the spaces

Slowly everywhere
You breathe
Is full of beautiful

Little things
Little big things
That have come with you

And I can't feel
Don't need to remember
Where we began

When I stopped
And you became
My little big thing

Granted

Unhappy
Unnecessarily
I have left
Myself hungry again

Put out
Put up
Yet still always
Falling short

Given
Taken
Assumed to always
Rise and shine again

Too much
Too little
I felt my heart
Bend but not break

For and against
Similarities
Are never the same
The next day

Alone now
Aware now
I play the music
And start over again

Nocturne

The sun may have set
And given way to your glow
But my hands they still see
Well between our distance

The pleasts of your skirt
Whispers of your scarf
Waging war upon my darkness
With your unintended beauty

The patch on your sleeve
Left stitches on my heart
Those subtle leather trimmings
Feel like adventure to my touch

The lines on and of your face
Soothe my dull aching hands
A river of chills thrill so quietly
Tracing, teasing quietly

The crook of your smile
Twist and tug my strings
Pulsing through our hands, closed
Their secrets and stories, too much

Torrent

For the first time in years
I want to write
Not in parts
Not in bits
Not in rhymes
But in lines

I started out on something
That just wouldn't stop
The words just keep coming
Stirring
Torrential emotions
Boiling

How do I start
Could I make it stop
Apprehensive on the first key
My fingers have betrayed me
Quivering
Afraid
Consumed by these feelings

Will they make sense
Would they just be pretend
A show, a silly side game
Upon my heart, my dirty name
Threatening
Deliciously insane

To say that I can't help it
Is true and untrue
To start is uncertain bloom
But to stop is to choke, doomed
Pretending
That I wasn't alreay shaking

Skipping Beats

Smitten
A kitten
Not a good boy
But a heart turned

Touched
Sparked
Not a mark
But a sigh melted

Dreaming
Smiling
Not yet awake
But slowly gasping

Feel these
Beats missed
Not yet ready
But already resisting

Taken
Shaken
Not a kiss
But never forgotten

A touch
So much
Stories and secrets
Erupt in our clutch

Hands

My hands on heart
Promises made
A prized restraint
Forgeit wishes, hopes paid

Your hands on heart
Eyes opened, bright
Careful lips curved
Whispers, a dream already in flight

My hands, your heart
Reluctant, a quiet fear
The shaky ghost of doubt
As your magic becomes clear

Your hands on my heart
Warm against the scars
Claim over untold secrets
Quiet panic black on scarlet stars

Better Than Sorry

From the sky
Why can't these drops
Replace my tears

Closed my eyes
How could he still
See through my fears

Cross the line
Why won't he just
Take it all from me

Instead of smile
His devilish way
To say he's sorry

Can't he tell
That I can't ever
Bring myself
To wish away
These dreams?

So if I could go
On that last drive
Out of my head

Wishing he'd save me
That the show would stop
And turn the page

I'm going
I'm going out
To let go of this story

My empty hands
Your empty smile
Is all better than sorry

Words

Words
How they tickle
And how they hurt

Your words
So right and logical
Can also be so curt

Words
Make a people family
Or separate them from us

A sound
From lips carelessly
Could empty vaults of trust

Words
What they mask
Or show, too easily betray

A truth
Inconvenient, tired
Yet determined to stay

Your words
They came so quickly
Fired from paternity

Closed
Quietly the doors
That we reopen eventually

Promise

All I wanted was love
More than what I was
Rationed to receive

I tried listening and looking
Everywhere that seemed likely
It felt as if I was deceived

And so I promised to love myself
So I would never fall short
And always ready to receive

Alas I still felt lonely
Though laughed and learned
How to survive and deceive

I promised I would start again
And make it on my own
And one day people would see

And that day did come soon
Often they would see and smile
As long as it was what they wanted to believe

Mother's Tears

Have you ever
Thought you were clever
Thought you were smart
That your decision was art

Have you ever
Held back your anger
Held in your breath
Still thinking you were the best

Have you ever
Wanted to live forever
But planned and made
Your own funeral instead

Well I certainly had
When things got mad
And the gaps and wounds
Stretched further than words

I had not, surely
Felt more unworthy
When my mother's tears told
Me how I ruined her world